Villain: Here for It, #342

Hi! It's R. Eric Thomas. From the internet?
Hi!

One of my fun little self-care rituals is constantly asking myself "Is everyone mad at me?" It's how I stay so old-looking and exhausted. Life hack! Most of the time, the answer is "...probably not?" But every once in a while? Buckle up, buster, cuz you the villain in someone else's story!

I'm writing to you from Key West, Florida, in a sun-drenched all-white room at the Studios of Key West, a writing residency. I'm here for the month to finish two big writing projects--which is happening! Progress! If you're someone to whom I owe something, don't be mad at me! Or, if you are mad at me, I already guessed it, as we discussed in the last paragraph.

I really thought I was going to come here, drink three pots of coffee a day, and pull a bunch of all-nighters. But what's become clear over the first couple of days of this residency is that being basically alone with my thoughts, the sunshine, the breeze, and the constant sound of roosters crowing has the same effect as when a Victorian doctor would send an addled dowager to the seaside in hopes of treating "the nerves."

Is it a residency or a sanatorium? Yes.

I had this boss once who, every time she was feeling particularly stressed or neurotic, would announce to me "My cheese is sliding off my cracker." Which is, really, one of the top five expressions I've come across in life. I've been telling everyone that over the last few months. And everyone's like "Oh... are you okay?" And I'm like "Well, yes, because I'm mildly lactose intolerant so I shouldn't be putting cheese on crackers in the first place!"

The other day, I was in my favorite coffee shop in Philly and they'd installed a new art exhibit. I've been thinking a lot about my taste in art (impeccable). One of my goals this year is to build my collection. I was very taken by one piece at the coffee shop, which looked a bit like a partial view of the Earth from space, with maybe the ozone layer represented by wispy lines that looked a bit like floating ash. It was gorgeous. But I couldn't bring myself to buy it. "It's foreboding," I thought to myself. "A little dark."

And then I thought, "Why is it that all art lately is so dark and foreboding?"

And then I thought, "Ruh-roh!"

Dr. Rorschach popped up out of nowhere and wrote me a prescription that was just this image:

I took it right to a CVS Pharmacy and they were like "GO TO THE SEA AT ONCE, MADAM!"

And so here I am.

(Also, side note, but did you know that Rorschach of the Rorschach test looked like THIS?

You can't have a hot therapist. Against the law, I'm afraid. I'd be like, "Boy, how am I supposed to pay attention your fingerpaints with you over there looking like a Hemsworth? Get out of here! Case dismissed!")

I was kind of discombobulated when I arrived in Key West because it was one of those airports where you exit the plane on to a staircase and then walk across the tarmac like you're Whitney Houston in the last scene of The Bodyguard.

I know that this is a normal way to get off of a plane in a lot of situations, but I always feel completely out of place, like when you see a bird inside. And you're like "Now, girl, what are you doing in here?" And the bird is like "Chica, I am spiraling lol!"

There were three planes landing at the Key West airport at around the same time and only one of the baggage claim belts was working so they kept announcing "Your bag will go around twice only and then it will be taken off. If you miss your bag, we will not be able to help you for 30-45 minutes."

Now I was on a game show. Most people were ambling up to the bar that's right next to the conveyor belt and getting a drink, but I was crouched like Sha'Carri Richardson about to do the 100-meter dash.

I just bought new luggage--bright blue--and the minute I saw it, I snatched it up and hustled out of the airport and to the medal podium.

Ten minutes later, I'm in my studio at the residency and I go to unpack my bag, when I discover a tag on it. Odd that the airline put a tag on my bag. Maybe they had to search it? I look at the tag and it reads something like "American Society of Radiologists" and I think "Am I... trained as an x-ray technician...?" And then I realized: I had taken someone else's bag!

I screamed out loud! I was like "Oh LORD NO! HELP ME, JESUS" and went racing back to the airport, trying desperately to get through to a person at American Airlines so that they could alert the radiologist that their bag was en route.

I was wracked with anxiety because my fear that everyone is mad at me was absolutely about to come true. There was someone at this airport who was already hopping mad and was going to let me have it, deservedly! Always check your tags!!!

And I'd explain to this person that I was so sorry and I've been discombobulated lately and all the paintings are telling me "BE SAD." But this person was a radiologist so they'd see right through me! And they'd be like "YOU ARE THE VILLAIN!" and the whole airport would boo!

But, in a stunning blow to my inner saboteur, when the couple whose luggage I stole saw me, they were just so gracious and nice and grateful that this had been resolved and they accepted every one of my apologies (all 43 of them) and we went our separate ways.

It's so wonderful when people are kind to you when you make a mistake or aren't your best self. I actually came away from that experience feeling a little better. Maybe I'll steal more bags!

(I am just kidding about that. I will never touch a bag again. Villain era over! Case dismissed!)

Two hosts, three guests, no clue. The Clip Show is a live comedy show hosted by renowned character actresses R. Eric Thomas and Chris Newcomer. Every night they welcome three famous guests who each have a new project to promote. The catch? The guests don't know what they're promoting until we roll footage of the clip they've supposedly brought. Presented by visionary producer Ms. Piggy, The Clip Show is one-part improv show, one part old-school talk show, one part Pirin tablets, one part other parts.

One hour; May 3 at 10pm and May 9 at 7pm in Philadelphia, PA; $10

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the bird is like "Chica, I am spiraling lol!",
Eric