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Stunt Queens: Eric Reads the Week, #6

Stunt Queens: Eric Reads the Week, #6

Hi! It's R. Eric Thomas. From the internet?
Hi!
stunt queen
/stənt/ /kwēn/ noun 1. a flamboyant diva of any gender prone to "flossing" or constructing elaborate plans to attract attention
2. all your faves
Tonight, legendary stunt kween and activist Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta is performing the Halftime Show at the super bowl kiki and I am here for whatever wild, resistant, Dixie Chicks-gone-super-saiyan, meat-scented idea she's cooked up. The Halftime Show is always Extra-squared and Bey rolled through last year's show dressed like a Black Panther singing the definitive empowerment anthem, so Gaga has a high bar to reach. Rooting for you, sis!

This has been a full week of expected stunting, surprise stunting and "who knew that Winona Ryder was such a stunt queen?" stunting. We have so much to talk about.


There Is a Winona Ryder Expression for Every Situation

At the SAG Awards, all eyes were on late-breaking stunt kween Winona Ryder whose expressions ran the gamut from shocked to empowered to bewildered and beyond. There's a Winona Ryder face for every situation you might find yourself in. [SEE THE FULL LIST]


From Here to Infinity: The "Mariah's World" Finale

"Mariah and Tanaka are sitting on an enormous marble kitchen island in the International Space Station, drinking wine. Stella rolls in. Mariah's in a skin-tight black bodysuit. Tanaka is in a tank top. Stella is wrapped in a blanket. Everything is normal.

Mimi can't believe that Stella didn't tell Anthony about Tanaka's promotion. Stella cares so little about this that she has already gone to sleep.

Because there is no gravity she just drifts into the next room, nestled comfortably in a blanket." [READ THE FULL RECAP]


What the Best-Selling Books in America Are Telling Us

This week George Orwell's dystopian novel 1984 shot to the top of the Amazon best seller list. On one hand, it's great that everyone is reading again. And by reading I mean buying and then putting the book on the night table and then watching CNN until they pass out from screaming. On the other hand, buying 1984 now is a bit like ordering a book called Wouldn't It Be Weird if Your House Burned Down? while standing in the smoldering ashes of your living room.

I dove into the Amazon best sellers in every category to get a more complete picture of what this country is thinking about beyond 1984. Here are some of the most telling best sellers in a few of Amazon's categories. [READ THE FULL COLUMN]


Inside Barack Obama's Vacation Diary


The former president has on a backwards baseball cap! The former first lady is rocking pigtails! They are chill, y'all. The Obamas are the only two unbothered people on planet Earth right now.

On one hand, they have worked extremely hard against some massive opposition (that is now being conveniently forgotten *cough* Merrick Garland *cough*), so they deserve their rest. On the other hand, how much rest does a person really need?

You need to get back here, Obamas. When the street lights come on you better be in this house. [READ OBAMA'S VACATION DIARY HERE]


An Open Letter to Beyoncé on Her Pregnancy With Twins

It is only the first day of February and you have already given us two new Black gods. I don't think we can handle this much black excellence this early in the first Black History Month of the darkest timeline.

Just kidding, more please. Feel free to drop a surprise album on the 15th and end the month by hoisting a Wonder Woman sword in the air, cracking the clouds, and declaring the beginning of the matriarchy. [READ THE FULL LETTER]


A Thorough Analysis of Beyoncé's Pregnancy Photo Shoot Looks

Why on your green Earth did you drag your pregnant self up on top of a jalopy? This is not even safe. This is Dukes of Hazardous to Your Health. And why is it filled with flowers? What even is this?

I especially love how it is obviously a sunny day with blue skies but even the actual sky wasn't good enough for Beyoncé.

I took one art history course in college and it was comprehensive, ma'am, but I guess I must have been absent on "Pregnant Ladies and Cars" day.

Honestly, that sounds like the title of a Tumblr I should probably avoid. [READ THE FULL COLUMN]


Mariah Carey's New Video for "I Don't" Is Peak Mariah

If you've, literally, every seen Mariah Carey you know that she is the queen of treating undergarments as everyday wear. And why not? She can rock it like no one else. In "I Don't" she gives you so many different linger-lewks. There's a white bodice that's perfect for a cute wedding night moment or for passing out in the back of a convertible. Mimi chose the latter. [READ THE FULL COLUMN]


From the vault...
I watched The Life Aquatic again this weekend and was reminded anew of how much of a stone-cold fox Jeff Goldblum is. I wrote about the toothsome lynx in one of my very first columns for ELLE and every word of it is still true. And still thirsty.

How Has Jeff Goldblum Gotten Even Hotter?

Here's the problem with Jeff Goldblum: He has a long history of surprise hotness that is seriously destabilizing. Like, you show up to a movie thinking, "I like Jeff Goldblum. His line delivery is pretty quirky. He acts well. Nice guy." And then, all of a sudden, he shows up giving you swarthy realness and you're like, "What movie is this again? Am I at home watching Cinemax? I'm going to need to take a moment right here in this Regal theater." [READ THE FULL COLUMN]


Random thing from the internet

I LOVE Melissa McCarthy so much. Her brand of bombastic slapstick (bombslastick?) is right up my alley. I think she's brilliant in everything, even when the material is not, like, great. The Boss--which I paid $16 to see because they were only showing it in one of those super surround-sound theaters with a recliner and a personal foot warmer or whatever--was not, like, great. It was literally 4 movies in one: a Troop Beverly Hills remake, a fish-out-of-water comedy about an fallen executive, a sort-of Working Girl-meets-Erin Brockovich thing about a single mom bonding with her abrasive former boss, and an action movie featuring Peter Dinklage and a samurai sword. I would, literally, go see any of those movies. I did go see them, actually. They just all happened at once. I guess that's why it cost $16.

ANYWAY, Melissa McCarthy showed up on SNL this weekend playing Sean Spicer, the human embodiment of a mole you should probably get checked out. She is PHENOMENAL. All her skills are put to their very best use in this skit and the writers, brilliantly, find ways to mine comedy out of this reality that just gets more and more absurd every day. CHECK IT OUT ON HERE.

Keep stuntin', kweens,
Eric

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