Sport: Here for It, #328

Hi! It's R. Eric Thomas. From the internet?
Hi!

There is never a time in my life when I'm more gleefully confused than I am when I'm watching the 'lympics. Like, right now I'm watching Simone Biles spin and flip on a balance beam via a video posted by Lady Gaga and every once in a while my brain is like "Hm, why is any of this happening?" I am absolutely gobsmacked and utterly perplexed and it's glorious.

I always begin watching balance beam events thinking "How did this even come to be? These aren't practical movements. In what scenario would it be useful to twirl on one foot while crouched on a thin plank?" And then by the end of it I'm like "THIS IS THE ONLY WAY THAT THE HUMAN BODY SHOULD MOVE AND SIMONE BILES IS THE ONLY HUMAN." Why am I, a slug, not flipping down the sidewalk, arms outstretched, wrists bent backward sassily? That's what I want to know!

At first, I wasn't sure I'd be in an Olympics mood this year because... [gestures frantically at absolutely everything.] I wanted to text the Olympics like the flakey friend, "Heyyyyy, I think I need a raincheck on this year, babe. 🙁 Work got crazy. Don't hate meeeee."

I don't know about you but I simply don't have the mental capacity. Like, in general but also specifically for this. I am existing in a context and you want me to watch Tom Daley dive off a ten meter coconut tree?! Can't be done!

We, as a people, are legally required to have at least 12 business days between News Events and that has not been happening of late and I will be speaking to my union rep about getting our mandated "Oh my God, now what?" break.

Meanwhile, the Olympics decided to embrace the EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS HAPPENING of it all by straight-up having a singing, headless Marie Antoinette at the Opening Ceremony. Un petite bit of subtlety!

I love that France was like "Having a weird one this summer, lol! Greetings to all ze billionaires and world leaders attending these games! One day you, too, could be zis famous!"

That Opening Ceremony was giving drag brunch but it was also giving Gotham City, and I can't think of a better combination, even though I do have some questions for Marie.

Here are some questions I've asked Marie so far:

1) Wow, what?!

2) Why do the Olympians sleep on cardboard beds? These people have to use their bodies to do the impossible and you're doing them dirty with lumbar support? I'm at an age when I sleep weird on my own mid-priced couch and I can't walk for a week, but you're expecting Katie Ledecky to just tumble out of the box like a big screen television and plop right into the pool? Make it make sense! Ralph Lauren can spend years putting Team USA in the most "country club villain from an 80s movie" outfits, but you can't get Casper to fly over a few of those mattresses they give to literally podcast host? Why not, Marie?!

3) What time is synchronized swimming, Marie? Did you know that synchronized swimming is the best thing that has ever happened to me personally and I don't know how I survive the three years I have to live without it?

4) Marie, how do you think it felt to be that one surfer who got rocked so hard by a wave that his whole pants came off? Like, I feel very bad that this person trained for years and went all the way to France only to end up on international television with his booty out. Gurl, start the OnlyFans, I guess.

5) Why does the Olympic logo look like the show art for a production of Thoroughly Modern Millie?

6) Marie, why don't I care about men's basketball?

7) Why can't we add a couple of the winter Olympics to the summer schedule? Why can't you put an ice rink in the gymnastics hall? I want to watch someone luge over the pool like they're in a suburban water park. Shoot the bows and arrows over the slalom! Who cares?

8) Is it time for synchronized swimming now?

We're reaching the end of my first month writing the Asking Eric column and it's been a real whirlwind! I get so much email, which is wonderful--after all, when there aren't many questions to choose from, the column is mighty hard to write. And boy oh boy do people have opinions! I get probably 10 times as many emails responding to questions and, sometimes, my answers as I do actual questions.

An interesting thing happened earlier this month. I was reading Carolyn Hax's advice column in the Washington Post, as I often do, and I discovered that someone had sent in the same question--word for word--that they sent in to me. This happens a fair amount with advice and I actually think it's interesting to see the different ways people answer. But because I'd been receiving so much feedback I initially got freaked out that people were going to yell at me (because that is absolutely what people do).

They'd be outside my house claiming plagiarism or something and holding signs that read "Hax hack!"

But there wasn't anything I could do. I filed weeks in advance, so my column, which came out today, was already in the tubes at the newspaper factory, or wherever it goes, and I couldn't get it back.

So far, no one has shown up with pitchforks. But, I've asked Marie to stand guard just in case.

Here's my column (WaPo is paywalled, so I've also added a free link below it) and here's Carolyn's.

Asking Eric: My sister-in-law dressed inappropriately for our daughter’s wedding

This older sister was the topic of much speculation, as she stood out like a sore thumb.

mliveR. Eric Thomas

I also did the No Time to Be Timid podcast with Tricia Rose Burt this week and had a fabulous talk. You can listen here.

Wow, what?!,
Eric