Hi! It's R. Eric Thomas. From the internet?
This week: a new Spanish snack on the geopolitical stage! plus, the regularly scheduled skullduggery of the Trump administration, this time with a Kar-dash of Kim.
In what scenarios is it appropriate to wear a romper? This is a serious question. I now own a romper. Well, that's not true. I own two rompers. I would show you a photo of my trying the romper on but the problem is I look too good and you wouldn't be able to control your thirst. I'm not trying to derail your day. You gotta go grocery shopping; you gotta finish A Little Life; you gotta paint your closet (happy Pride, by the way); you gotta mow the lawn or some suburban bullshit. I don't need your overgrown Kentucky bluegrass on my conscience. I'm trying to lose weight, honey; I don't need the added burden of psychological turmoil. I don't need it!
I know what you're thinking: "A romper?! Aren't you against rompers?!" I'm not! Surprise! Booyaka! Last year I wrote a column decrying the rise of the neologism RompHim. I have no problem with any person of any gender wearing short shorts that are sewn into a shirt shirt, but if the prison yard rules of your masculinity tell you you have to make up a word to let people know you're not wearing "women's clothes," I'm taking you to court. I will hire Diane Lockhart and I will sue you in open court.
Here's my official campaign platform: No to RompHims; yes to rompers. ROMP ALL YOU WANT! (That's my campaign slogan. I'm running for governor. Of your state. Whatever state you live in. Unless it's New York in which case I'm out of it; I'm not taking on Cynthia Nixon. She played both roles in rep in The Little Foxes. And won a Tony for it. If that's not a qualification for governorship, I don't know what is. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.)
Anyway, I got these two rompers, right? From a different company that CALLED A THING WHAT IT IS. And they both have very loud floral patterns in bright colors not found in nature. Paradoxes! I think the new thing in millennial men's wear is designing on a very thin line that could either be construed as "a straight guy with a personality of some sort" or "a queer person who maybe would like your attention." The line is razor thin, honestly, especially if it's summertime, especially if you're all just sitting around on a roofdeck, full on burgers and grilled zucchini, waiting for the fireworks to start in the distance, and talking about the theatrical work of Cynthia Nixon, who was Tony-nominated for The Women even though I publicly stated that I found that particular performance a little lackluster, especially in comparison to Kristen Johnston's work in the same piece. I'm just saying THE LINE IS THIN.
You know what's not thin? Me. Feeling weird about my weight. You know what's helpful? A romper, actually! It is a Herculean struggle to get on, but once you're in it, there's a completely different relationship between body and clothing. Isn't it weird how some clothes feel like they're fighting you? The clothes are like, "This is what your body and shape should do." And you're like, "I feel like that's not going to happen. Can you maybe be flexible?" And the clothes are like, "I just don't think versatility is possible. I'm not a Cynthia Nixon performance." A romper is the exact opposite. A romper is like, "Honey, I'm just here to make you look good." A romper is the celebrity makeup artist of the clothing world.
Clothes should make you feel comfortable. I'm on the fence about whether clothes should make you look good because what is looking good, and for whom, and what gaze are we talking about, and for what purpose? Who says?! I object! Move to strike! Anyway, I like this romper and I have no idea where I should wear it, besides every day that I'm at the beach next month. But I would legit wear it during regular life pretty much constantly if I could. I'm not sure Baltimore could handle that. I've written to the mayor, "Hello, this is R. Eric Thomas, gubernatorial candidate and IRL internet idiot. I would like to know if the city can handle my romping? Please reply via message written on a cake."
I'm going to a Pride fundraiser for the local lgbtq center at a restaurant called GERTRUDE'S and I'm not even sure if that's a romper-appropriate venue. What is the world coming to? That said, if my caftan arrives by then, I'll be all set.
So, we'll see.
This week, Kim Kardashian & Trump take American Gothic to the next level, plus Kim K and Ivanka have an awkward dinner, but first, THIRST TAPAS!
Pedro Sanchez, looking like the captain of your high school soccer team who graduated a couple years before you and then proceeded to age like a fine damn rioja, has got my vote. I'm a Spanish citizen now. One return trip on the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria, por favor. [READ THE FULL COLUMN]
Wow, the end of the world looks so much different than I thought it would. Trump was finally able to secure a meeting with a Kim and it seems like this one probably won't result in nuclear war. Looking like an Annie Leibovitz American Gothic-themed photo shoot, the president and Donald Trump posed in the Oval Office together. In a photo eagerly tweeted out from Trump's account, Kim Kardashian West looks stoic and leader-like standing next to the lesser reality star, who is grinning like a fan who paid for the meet-and-greet at the KKW fragrance release event. [READ THE FULL COLUMN]
Ivanka: Thank you so much for coming to dinner at our Washington, D.C. home or, as we like to call it, the eyebrow of Sauron.
KKW: Wow imagine me, little ole Kim KW, mogul and social media star, meeting with you, Ivanka Trump, who runs a blog.
Ivanka: I’m actually also an advisor to the president.
KKW: Yeah okay. Whatever.
Jared: [The sound of a nest of baby eagles screeching.] [READ THE FULL COLUMN]
Honey, what is going on with Melania?! She's been out of the public eye for, like, a fortnight and everyone's like, "She gone, girl. She living in the woods with dyed hair under an assumed name. She hitch-hiked to Sacramento with a truck driver played by Cherry Jones. She Ferris Bueller'd herself. There's a mannequin in the bed in the Robin Wright suite in the East Wing. She OUT." It would seem that Melania is "missing." But then "Melania" tweets the most Trump-ass thing I've ever seen, taking "the media" to task for "working overtime" to suss out the real story.
Honey, what is this? First of all, no one in the media gets overtime, so that's my first note. Secondly, Melania ain't write this. This is trademark Trump: 1) jab a the media, 2) boasts of working hard, 3) tags the White House for no reason. The White House would very much like to be left out of this narrative, 4) positions the questions "Um, where is the First Lady" as a partisan attack on the American people.
This is crazy! And it's also hilarious because it's yet another mini-scandal that could easily be avoided. Just put a cardboard cutout of Melania in a window and Home Alone it. It fooled the Wet Bandits and are we better than the Wet Bandits? No, we are not. We haven't had any overtime pay and we are very tired.
I just needed to talk to you about this. Has anyone checked behind the Be Best poster in her office? It's possible there's a Shawshank tunnel chilling back there with a Post-It note that says, "Be Bye!" I'm just kidding. She's complicit. She's a birther, remember. So. Whatever.
Speaking of First Spouses, Bill Clinton (remember this queen?) just released a new fiction thriller called The President Is Missing. VERY CONVENIENT. Is anyone not missing in WASHINGTON? D! C! I'm not saying this is all some sort of Deep State conspiracy, but I will be reading that book from cover to cover looking for clues. Bill Clinton is going through it, honey. He thought he was going to spending the next four years answering awkward and vaguely offensive questions about picking out china patterns and instead he has to cultivate a whole new hobby. He already went vegan! That's like the most hobby hobby you can have. Going vegan is like starting Crossfit: everyone expects that that's what you'll talk about for the rest of our life. Family gifts at holiday time are totally sorted. Oh, what's that? You wanted a Nintendo Cube? Too bad: here's yet another cookbook about root vegetables! BECAUSE OF YOUR EATING THING. Oh, Lord. Being a human is a constant chore.
Here's a picture of me in my romper:
To eating, I guess!