Real: Here for It, #335
Hi! It's R. Eric Thomas. From the internet?
Hi!
I dunno, y'all, I think they're serious about the Real ID thing this time.
Every time I've flown for the last six years, I've seen those signs at the TSA checkpoint that are like "If you don't update your ID to the Real ID by this date in May, we won't let you fly. In fact, we're going to lock you in TSA jail. You're going to be sitting in a small office behind the Sbarro's in the Tuscon airport, which is what we use for TSA jail. And you're going to be sitting there on a crate– not even a chair, a crate!– next to a block of cocaine, an Iberian ham, and a dog. Whose dog is it? We don't know! Maybe the dog works there. Maybe the dog is an officer of the law. You don't get to know that information because you don't have the Real ID.
"And the dog's going to judge you for it. And we are, too! But mostly the dog and you don't want to disappoint Officer Snickerdoodle. Because it turns out--surprise--the dog does work here! He's a TSA agent. He's got a badge but right now he's working undercover so mind your business, how about that?"
And then you flip over the sign and it says, "And Officer Snickerdoodle is going to cut up your old bad ID. Because it's not a Real ID. I mean, it is real, but it's not Real. We should have chosen different terminology. But anyway, Officer Snickerdoodle is going to cut up your ID like in the old movies when people would try to use their credit cards at restaurant and they'd be rejected and the restaurant would cut the credit card up. But it was always, like, a maître d'. Why was the maître d' taking your credit card in the first place? He's got something else to do. He's got maîtr-ing to d'o and who can say, really, what that job entails? But, yeah, restaurants just had scissors at the host stand. We have a couple of questions about that, in general, now that you bring it up. But in the meantime, we're cutting up your ID and we're going to like it!"
Honestly, I think they could have edited the sign a little bit. But I do appreciate the effort.
The thing about the Real ID is that the date keeps changing. They're like "WE'RE SERIOUS!" And then you fly a couple of months later and they're like "Just kidding! Officer Snickerdoodle is on leave so you have another few years!"
According to the Wikipedia page about the Real ID Act (which went into law in 20 years ago!), they're probably going to extend the deadline again to 2027. But I'm nervous! I can't take all this back and forth!
Here's the thing: why don't you just give me the Real ID and stop yelling at me? This sounds like a personal issue and I don't want to be involved!
I got my license in Pennsylvania in 2017 (unclear if it was Real or just real. Ask the dog). But then I moved to Maryland so I had to get a Maryland license, which I did. Four years later, I moved back to Pennsylvania and I had to get a PA license again. Now, I will own that part of this is my problem. I'm in the Witness Protection program and I live a peripatetic life.
BUT getting a PA license (AGAIN) was such an ordeal because my name wasn't on any of the utilities and my rental agreement was just on a website. Like a Geocities page that says "pay your landlord's mortgage!" And so the DMV was giving me trouble. I went back four times. It was so annoying. And it wasn't until I was finally getting my picture taken that I found out the ID they were giving me was a regular ID and not a Real ID because, apparently, I hadn't checked the right box.
So, I was like, "Well, just give me the Real ID" and they actually said to me, "we've already charged you for the regular ID price and we're closing in 5 minutes so you'll have to come back."
Why are you offering the fake real ID in the first place?! What am I, an underaged college freshman trying to get into an objectively terrible bar?! I have gray hair in my beard! Let me on the plane!!
Anyway, all of that was 3 years ago and I refuse to go back on principle. And I have a flight coming up on May 8, 2025. So, I guess, if you're looking for me, call the Tuscon Airport Sbarro's and ask for Officer Snickerdoodle.
Reading recommendations!
I love Alexandra Petri so much and her column in response to the Washington Post's decision not to publish a presidential endorsement for the first time since Carter was running is excellent. I loved it and I hate that she had to write it. It has fallen to me, the humor columnist, to endorse Harris for president [Gift link; free to read]
I called Lindsey Weidenbach to get some guidance for a few column quests dealing with estate law. It was so helpful. She also told me she's working on a Substack of essays called How to Be A Difficult Woman. Of course, I checked it out and I adored it. This entry is has so many of my favorite things: a middle school play, an understudy thrust into the spotlight, excellent Britney Spears references. I could go on! Highly recommend!
I have gray hair in my beard! Let me on the plane!!,
Eric
