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Punch: Here for It, #358

R. Eric Thomas

22 Feb 2026 • 6 min read

Hi! It's R. Eric Thomas. From the internet?
Hi!

I will personally fight every single one of those monkeys that is bullying that little baby monkey named Punch.

Do you know about this? I barely do because I've learned about it exclusively through random Instagram stories that I have only half-watched. But somehow this Punch crisis has reached my desk and I'm hopping up and down mad.

Here's the long and short of it that I got from googling "punch monkey the zoo what the heck is going on" just now: Punch is a 6-month old macaque who was abandoned by his mother and, according to the zoo, gets "scolded" and excluded by the other monkeys. His only friend is a stuffed animal and wow I am NEWLY FURIOUS just typing this.

When you send me a mean email, this is who you're emailing.

Bullying a 6-month-old? Try these monkeys at the Hague!

Like, I have never been so mad in my life as I am at these grown-ass monkeys at their big ages going full Mean Girls on a child monkey. I have called the zoo (what zoo? Every zoo, frankly, because I've done truly no research on where this is happening or why or anything else).

Loser behavior!!!

I have told the Man in the Yellow Hat that these bully monkeys have until 5 pm EASTERN STANDARD TIME to meet me outside and we will be getting into fisticuffs.

I'm standing at the ticket booth at the Philadelphia Zoo doing this pose.

Could I fight a monkey? Probably. I think about this a lot. I could not fight a gorilla, of this I am sure. If a gorilla wishes to bully a macaque, I will let them. I will say, "well, it builds character and et cetera."

I would not fight a dolphin. I do believe I could fight a shark, though, which is a level of confidence that a delightful Taurus I know would probably label "Very Aries." I am unclear what this means but I'm assuming it's a compliment.

Other animals I could fight:
Meerkat
Warthog
Hyena (I think I'm just listing animals that are in The Lion King.)

Other animals I could not fight:
Blue whale
Possum (Technically, I probably could fight a possum, but every interaction I've had with a possum in reality has been so dark-sided. I simply can't have that energy in my life. If a possum even looks me in the eyes, I'm calling the police.)
Fox (also dark-sided! Cannot even consider this. Much respect to the fox community but they should stay the hell away from me. Unless they are hot cartoon foxes from Robin Hood. Those are fine.)
Buffalo (every time I imagine a buffalo, I imagine the Buffalo Wild Wings mascot, which I think is technically not what buffalos look like but I can't be sure.)

(I cannot, at this juncture, discuss which insects I could or could not fight. Please check back next week.)

This situation stresses me out in general. Godzilla is always up to something.

But a monkey?! We're scrapping! I could fight multiple monkeys. Up to four, I believe. I have confidence. I took one boxing class so, essentially, I'm a Battle Bot. I'm ready. Come at me, monkeys. I will not be going to mediation with you. We are going to have a donnybrook. Square up!

Okay, I have done more googling and I am now seeing reports that the bully monkeys have sometimes started to accept Punch but alas, the ship has sailed. I already took out my earrings. These monkeys are gonna catch these hands on principle.

Generally, I am a peaceful person. I've never been in a fight, formally. So, in truth, I would probably just give these monkeys a stern talking to. I would make a pointed meme at their expense. I'd raise my eyebrow. Y'know, devastating stuff.

But if you are mean to my loved ones (and Punch is absolutely one of my loved ones) we're tussling. I just got a manicure but I don't even care! To quote Kesha, it's going down. We're yelling timber. Et cetera. These monkeys have 5 hours.