Potions: Here for It, #334

Hi! It's R. Eric Thomas. From the internet?
Hi!

I'm not so much a hypochondriac as I am someone who finds deep satisfaction in stacking coupons at CVS for various products, tinctures, and medications to the point where I am basically leaving the store with a rattling bag of free miracle drugs. The medicine cabinets at home are stocked to the brim with every possible cure for every possible ailment, which brings me great joy. If I didn't have six kinds of heartburn pills I'd simply perish. Or at least suffer loudly. And no one wants that.

Recently, I had to buy a new travel toiletry bag. (Don't buy it from this site; looks sketch!) On a trip last month, I indulged in the luxury of checking a suitcase, which allowed me to pack a full-sized cologne. That cologne--a villain that smells of wealth and verbena--promptly emptied its contents all over the inside of my old toiletry bag, so when I arrived at LAX my suitcase smelled like I was running a Parisian brothel in the 1800s. I don't have the qualifications for that! I don't even speak French!

I like this new toiletry bag so much. It has four compartments and hangs from a hook so it's like I'm toting my overstuffed medicine cabinet with me wherever I go. I simply refuse not to pack all of my emotional support potions whenever I travel. You never know when you're going to have a stomachache or a headache or dry patch on your elbow or a sudden need for vitamin B12 and I absolutely hate to then figure out what they call the convenience stores in Idaho or Perth Amboy, New Jersey or wherever and then order an Uber to take me from my hotel in a business park just so that I can get a bottle of Tylenol that I already have at home.

I come from a long line of people who always get sick on vacation. (I've been to the infirmary at Disney World multiple times. It's not that interesting!) The only way to break that generational curse is to pack like I'm joining Doctors Without Borders.

Who doesn't love an over-the-counter solution to all of life's problems?

This doesn't seem extreme to me. I would survive without all of my products. But I want to thrive. For as little money as possible.

In the interest of thriving, I've been thinking about getting the Apple Watch because I saw a tweet that said that the Vitals app on the watch can tell you're getting sick a full week before you know it. I get all of medical information from tweets so this sounded intriguing to me. But I still have reservations. I am against machines knowing anything about me unless those machines are Rosie from The Jetsons. And the dystopian ramifications of Apple knowing that I have a cold while I'm just walking around breezily skipping through daisies seem not inconsequential. Also, what would I do with this information anyway? Run to my tincture closet and start gobbling echinacea? Probably. But to what end? TO WHAT END?

I feel like the Apple Watch is like some witchy old lady in a movie putting a curse on you. It's like "In three days you will start to cough!" But it says it in a Siri voice. And I'm like "Okay, thanks."

I want actionable medical information. And helpful magic.

The other day I went to the dermatologist because I had a thing on my skin and I didn't want to have the thing on my skin anymore. She looked at it, said it was benign, and told me she could burn it off, if I wanted. I was really just looking for a CVS-related solution. Perhaps some apple cider vinegar? But before I could say "Hey Siri, is this going to hurt?" she was shooting fire lasers at my face.

I was like, "Okay, that's too much science for one day, thank you."

She asked, "Anything else bothering you?" I was like "Well, I'm quite depressed. What do you have for that?"

She was like "Have you heard of Botox?"

I told her that I also have the Death Becomes Her disease. "It's that thing where I want to look young forever but I don't want to have to work for it."

She handed me the card of their Cosmetic Dermatology consultant. I was like "Hmm, that's too much science and money for one day."

I told her that I didn't want anything crazy. I just wanted to look like I was 30 again. But I don't want to look the way I looked when I was 30. I want to look like a 30-year-old who looks like Lenny Kravitz looks at 60. "Can you do that?"

She said "Check you bank balance on your Apple Watch."

In the interim, she prescribed me a little potion, which I picked up from the CVS along with a bunch of deodorants I got for two-for-one and used a store credit to zero out the balance on. The potion, I'm told, is inactivated by light, including artificial light. So every night, I have to smear my face in the darkness like I'm the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel climbing out of bed to do a full face of makeup and then climbing back into bed before her husband wakes up so he thinks she always looks like she's about to do a set on The Tonight Show. If there's one thing I love more than tinctures, it's farce.

Will this make me look like Lenny Kravitz? Unclear. But the new little potion has a perfect spot that will fit it in the new traveling toiletry bag and that's all that matters.

Boyfriend surprised with unwanted home makeover (Washington Post link)

‘Helpful’ neighbors making ageist assumptions (Boulder Daily Camera link - free)

I’m giving him $5,000 a month, and he won’t even talk to me (Mercury News link - free)

Can people in their 60s change their racist views? (MassLive link - free)

My aunt hinted at knowing a family secret but left me guessing (AL.com link - free)

Baltimore! - On November 3, Everyman Theatre is presenting a reading of a brand new version of my play Glitter in the Glass. (The play is also receiving a full production in Philadelphia this June at Theatre Exile.) More info

Indiana! - On November 10, I'll be at the Spirit and Place festival, in conversation with Dacher Keltner and Ebony Chappel, talking about gratitude. It should be a fantastic time! More info

Hey Siri, is this going to hurt?,
Eric