Hi! It's R. Eric Thomas. From the internet?
The most outrageous thing happened last night! (I mean, it wasn't the most outrageous; I wasn't, like, kidnapped by pirates. But it was still pretty outrageous. Pretty outrageous: that means nothing actually. It's like an Ed Hardy cologne scent. Ugh words.)
Last night my husband, David, and I ordered a Lyft home from dinner as a treat (living wild!). My Lyft profile photo is, accidentally, the same as my Facebook profile photo:
Maxine Waters: Congresswoman, rabblerouser, truth-teller, icon.
The minute we got into the Lyft, we knew something was up. The driver whipped around and asked, "Which one of you is Eric?" "Me," I said. He said, "That's that Senator on your profile, right? She's got a real problem with decorum."
I let out a small laugh that I hope communicated "I'm not actually here for any of this. I'm in a different spectral plane than whatever this nonsense you're trying to start is. If you need me, please pull out a Ouija board and see if it has time for your BS."
The driver didn't seem to notice and he continued to try to come for Maxine Waters, who was my profile picture.
Well, I had to respond. David reached across the seat and tapped my hand gently. It was one of those couple gestures where you know the entire paragraph he's trying to get across. This was David:
What's great about me is that I do supercilious pretty well (put that on my tombstone), so I decided to approach the conversation from a position of being obviously correct. The driver, bless him, told me that if Maxine was a gallon of milk her expiration date would have been 1947, which is an incomprehensible read. That read is nonsense. It's in Esperanto. I was like, "Hello, she hasn't said anything untrue. Sorry if it hurts your feelings to hear a powerful black woman tell the truth."
Anyway, we kept it basically civil. Which is impressive for me because I'm crazy. Eventually he told me that Democrats needed to figure out how to bring back jobs and that the problem with America is that we were overrun with drugs. Also he used to work for the pharmaceutical industry.
I told him that the government was at war with poor people. Then I got out. I gave him a less-than-great rating and I tipped him well.
Living is exhausting!
Fortunately, this week's columns will give you life. We're talking about Obama's new lewk, Jeff Goldblum's makeup line and political props!
Former president, Dad-About-Town and The Most Unbothered American, Barack Obama, has been slaying the fashion game since leaving office in January. After going on vacation for a few weeks and dropping off of our radars, he's back, popping up on our Timeline like an ex that just finished the Whole30 and got a new selfie stick. The man is positively glowing. I mean, you'd be glowing too if you had a whole vault of secret wiretaps that definitely no one would ever find out about. [READ THE FULL COLUMN]
Do you like life rafts? Bulletproof vests? Paper bags? Thank a woman inventor. I made a small list in honor of International Women's Day [READ THE FULL COLUMN]
This image, released to Entertainment Weekly, is so much. There is so much happening here. Like, Goldbleezy, you gotta warn us before you release the lewk Kraken like this. We were not prepared.
We going about our daily lives having no idea that somewhere on this rapidly warming Earth toothsome lynx Jeff Goldblum was sauntering around in iridescent lipstick and serious eyeliner. If Jeff Goldblum comes out with a M.A.C. cosmetics line, 2017 is officially cancelled.
I mean, I'm going to buy it, of course. But I'm going to feel really weird about it.
There'd be a lip gloss called "Lip, uh... Finds A Way."
[READ THE FULL COLUMN]
This whole thing is awkward and it makes my heart hurt, which is not great because I chose an iPhone over insurance. My primary care physician is the comments section on an article called "Are You Dying?"
Suffice it to say, I don't have the energy for props. What is this a magic show? We have to stop letting politicians use props. The only person who should be using props is CarrotTop. This is a hill I'm willing to die on. [READ THE FULL COLUMN]
Random Thing from the Internet
This is little I'm more excited about today than the new Wonder Woman trailer. The minute her theme music started playing in Batman v. Superman: The Longest Nap I've Ever Taken I immediately got hype! I have such high hopes for this movie. It seems like a DC property that is actually being successfully reinterpreted; it feels new and yet classic; and it features Robin Wright sword-fighting which is definitely on my vision board. I'm already in love with this movie.
Anyway, I gotta go. I literally need to be at the airport in 8 minutes so we'll see how that goes. I'm taking a Lyft, but I'm really praying that today's driver doesn't try to come for me or my profile picture this time. Flying stresses me out already. If this driver wants to throw shade at Maxine Waters, I can't guarantee this won't be me walking into Terminal C at the Philadelphia Airport at the end of the ride:
I'm already wearing that bathrobe.
To new lewks,