Meal: Here for It, #331

Hi! It's R. Eric Thomas. From the internet?
Hi!

I'm at a destination wedding in Mexico today and that means this evening I get to play my favorite game: What Did Past Eric Think He Wanted to Eat?!

It's really delightful, isn't it, that every wedding includes a tiny little mystery? Months and months ago, a small card arrived in the mail at the homes of dozens of strangers who would soon meet beneath the moonlight in a coastal town across the continent. Through the card, the strangers were given a choice. And a deadline. Tonight, the consequences of those choices are revealed.

The steaks have never been higher!

When I RSVP to your wedding, I'm going to google the venue and read every word on your wedding website--yes, including the very long How We Met story even though I already know it and, ideally, was centrally involved in it. (I love weddings that are my fault. This is your special day but that does not mean it isn't also about me! That's the beauty of being my friend!)

I am also going to look at your registry and say aloud things like "Hm, a $6 pizza cutter? How often are they making pizza? I've never been invited over for a homemade, self-cut pizza night. Suspicious, to say the least." and "What's the most eccentric amount of money I can contribute to the honeymoon fund? Why won't the site let me add cents. There are so many hilarious amounts of cents and I want to laugh about them over a pizza I sliced with my own two hands like an ancient warrior."

And, hours later, I will get down to the most important business: deciding what food selection I want. You have given me two or sometimes three choices. I must now spend days, weeks even, researching the catering company, reading online reviews, making test recipes that mimic what the dishes might taste like, and trying to project myself into your mindset to get a full picture of why you might have chosen these two (possibly three) options and what you want me to experience from them. This, honestly, is the hardest I work in my life.

I just hate making the wrong food choice and I do it so often. And it's not even like "Oh, this is a bad menu item." It's "this is good but another choice would have been better." The bitter taste of ALMOST! It keeps me up at night.

I need to know if, in 6-to-12 months time I'm going to be in a red meat phase and if I want this particular red meat or if that feels like a fake option meant to distract those with less discerning palates. The salmon is a fine choice that's completely dependent on the sauces and the sides and if the card doesn't list sauces, sides, and vibes, then I have to extrapolate. Chicken can honestly be pretty good, especially if I'm in one of my "I need to eat 200 grams of protein a day because I am pretending I'm working out for a Marvel movie" phases of life. BUT with the chicken, you have to then figure out how many guests are coming to the wedding and how many are likely to order chicken and how large the kitchen is out of which the chicken will be coming, because the last thing you want is dry chicken at a wedding. BAD OMEN! I'd rather just go hungry (unless I'm on my Marvel movie thing, in which case I will eat it because a random fitness app on my phone will yell at me if I don't and I cannot have any more apps mad at me).

The thing that makes this choice especially wild is that I know that the minute I send the reply card back, I'll immediately forget what I chose and what the options are and I will spend the entire week leading up to the wedding wondering, and theorizing, and trying to trace back not only your thought process in constructing the menu but also my own thought process in choosing my entree. And, let me tell you, nothing is as inscrutable to me as my thoughts, wants, and preferences.

I cannot wait to find out what I'm having for dinner tonight. What an absolute thrill. (Also, I'm very happy for my friends Nick and Chris who are getting married at the mystery dinner. Hooray for love and hooray for... I'm going to guess salmon...!)

My ex-friend’s dead cat is buried in my yard. Do I return it? (Washington Post link)

How should I tell my husband he has breasts? (Chicago Tribune link)

Daughter doesn’t want to give up her childhood bedroom (Baltimore Sun link)

Mother-in-law wants no relationship with me (Florida Sun-Sentinel link)

We've been married 42 years, but now my wife finds my attraction to her 'creepy' (Oregon Live link)

Daughter-in-law wants to be too close (Arcamax link)

Apprehensive about family moving away after retirement (AL.com link)

nothing is as inscrutable to me as my thoughts, wants, and preferences,
Eric