Here for It w/ R. Eric Thomas, #88

Hi! It's R. Eric Thomas. From the internet?

This week: Gina Gershon is Melania Trump and Melania Trump is gardening in Louboutins.

I have spent the weekend taking hundreds of photos of someone else's dog. We're away with a couple of people who have some seriously excellent animal companions and I've become basically a dog stalker. A pup-parazzi. Have I taken any selfies, dramatic landscapes, or even photos of my friends (or husband!)? No, I have not. Do I have a dog of my own? That's a no, also. Am I allergic to dogs? Yes, very much so. Do I have a plan for what I am going to do with all these glamour shots of other people's puppers? Absolutely not.

Nevertheless, I insist!

I feel like a lot of people are obsessed with other people's dogs (and cats, he adds begrudgingly) but I have never self-identified as a pet person. I never stop people on the street and demand to pet their animal. Can you imagine? I'm always stunned by the severity of these requests. "Oh my GOD! WHO IS THIS?! LOOK AT YOU! WHO IS A GOOD BOY?!!!" This is all screamed at a funeral that, for some reason, allows dogs. All of the dogs are wearing black berets and little lace veils. They trot up to the casket, drop a bone inside, and then retreat back to their pew where they spend the entire time quietly gossiping about the other dogs there. (Is this a 100% dog funeral? No, you may recall the human who was screaming early in the story. And also there's me, a human, who is also observing all of this: the screaming, the gossip dogs, the eulogy by the sweaty, boisterous bull dog minister, the paw bearers.)

I'm not a dog person. Which is a benign fact but it also sounds aggressive to state. It's like I'm declaring my allegiance to some sort of fringe view. I'm not against dogs; I'm just not obsessed with them. I have my world and they have theirs and that's fine. This feel problematic. Am I a dog racist? How dare! What an accusation! I have known some truly inspirational dogs in my time. My grandfather was very good friends with a German Shepherd named Nicky! Please, take your prejudice elsewhere!

Also! I went to a Dog Halloween Contest by myself, for fun, last October. To be honest, that just seemed like a good idea for an afternoon's entertainment. And the photos! Put a stranger pet or a child in a costume, and I'll devote a whole scrapbook to them. I will learn how to scrapbook, I will go to a scrapbook store, I will buy a pair of crimping scissors (are those a thing? Possibly!) I will glitter things in many different colors and I will incorporate an excessive amount of wordplay. That's just who I am.

Anyway, the things that have captured my attention on this particular trip are a rambunctious Golden Retriever and a Boston Terrier that is indifferent to my presence.

I have almost exclusively used my Portrait Mode to make dogs look more glamorous. Am I considering asking this dog if I can represent it for film, television, and print work? Yes. Do I have any experience in those fields? You already know the answer to this question.

I would like to start a business taking dog engagement photos. Do dogs understand engagement? Do do go to pre-marital hound-seling? Do the terrible friends of the dogs make jokes about the Ol' Bark and Chain? I have a lot of questions about holy petrimony.

Look at this prince! What a beautiful, majestic creature! That is my husband's leg in the background. He is also a beautiful, majestic creature. Who I may have accidentally neglected to take as many pictures of as I have of these two dogs.

David and I talk a lot about getting a hypoallergenic dog because we both want one and I could use the company as I sit at home and scream at the internet. But what I never really say yet think about constantly is that dog pictures would become 80% of my personality and Instagram feed. I imagine many people would not object to this. In this, the golden age of absolutely atrocious social media, Dog and Baby Content is particularly extraordinary. Dear friends with dogs and/or babies: I voraciously consume photos of your adorable companions.

That said, do I really want to become R. Eric Thomas, Dog Person? Like, the by-line on my column all of the sudden lists a second author named Chompers McGillicuddy. My book has many new chapters about varieties of dog food and the scourge of fireworks and ice cream truck sounds. I RSVP "no" to even more things than I already do because "My dog's calendar is really full and if you think I'm going to ask Chompers to rearrange their whole week just for me, you're barking up the wrong tree." Actually, that sounds like a dream. No bones about it.

This week, just a couple pieces because I took the opportunity to run away to a lake with some friend's dogs. And also the friends.

Of Course Melania Brought a Golden Shovel and Louboutins to Plant a Tree

I'm not sure what part of this ensemble is most impressive. Is it the red bottoms, with a spiked heel for aerating the soil? Is it the Romantic Garden brocade Valentino skirt, originally priced at $4,000, with the flower pattern inspired by Cuba (!!!)? No, I think it's the shovel. The golden shovel. Like a metaphor that's beating me over the head. [READ THE FULL COLUMN]

The Mooch Promotes A New Trump Musical Featuring Gina Gershon

Gina Gershon has had quite a career, which is why I can only assume that she recently made a deal with a sea witch that went sour, resulting in her playing Melania Trump in a new musical being promoted by known Broadway-head Anthony Scaramucci. [READ THE FULL COLUMN]

Let's Hang Out

Hosting The Moth in DC at The Miracle Theater on Thursday September 6th

Hosting The Moth in Philadelphia at World Cafe Live on Monday September 10th

Hosting The Moth in DC at City Winery on Monday September 17th

Random Thing from the Internet

Read this INSANE story about a heist at an INSECTARIUM! 7,000 bugs were stolen! The culprits used knives to stab employee uniforms to the walls as a calling card! WHY?!!