Hi! It's R. Eric Thomas. From the internet?
This week: Ed Sheeran breaks international law in front of Beyoncé and PETA would like to have a word with you.
It's getting so close to that time of year when I buy a month of unlimited Bikram Yoga classes on Groupon and end up only going to two classes and I am so pumped. This is one of my favorite yearly traditions. Usually I do it just after the first of the year, because a lot of Bikram studios offer great Groupon deals for people like yours truly who want to engage in a little New Year's self-delusion. Nothing makes me happier than gleefully entering my credit card number into Groupon on a cold January night, getting a certificate for my unlimited Bikram classes that will last me until some time in mid-February, trying to figure out if I have to print it out or if I can just go in and if the former where I would find a printer in this, the year 2018. Oh, and then going to Bikram at some point.
This is my favorite leisure activity. Okay, actually my favorite leisure activity is sitting at home definitely not going to any class that will make me feel better or look better, and watching old Tony Awards performances on YouTube. Of course. But they don't offer that on Groupon. If they did, I would definitely buy it. What's that you say, I can already do that for free? Yes, but it's so much more fun to spend money unnecessarily.
I am, truly, psyched to venture into the Bikram yoga delusion cycle again. I think I like Bikram yoga despite the fact that 35 minutes into every class I mutter to myself "I hate this." I am a liar, though! So, who knows what I really think? Bikram yoga, in case you don't know, is very hot yoga that lasts for 90 minutes. It's an exquisite form of suffering that is particularly tricky during the Groupon Deal months when you come in from a freezing cold street to a studio heated to 90 degrees, sweat profusely for an hour and a half, shower and dress only to discover that you are still sweating profusely because the body is a horror show, and then venture back out into the below freezing temperatures outside, wetter, tired, but also flexible!
I had the idea earlier this week that I'd like to take a sabbatical from work so that I could focus on improving my yoga practice and bodybuilding. I needed to take a sabbatical because I figured I'd do both every day for many hours. I really am a lunatic; where in my entire life history has either of those things been a) a regular practice or b) something I was capable of? Nevertheless, this is my new goal. I explained to David like I was training to play a superhero in a big budget movie. "They work out for the entire work day! They don't even take a break to wander into the lunchroom to see if any department has put leftover cake on the table. They work straight through! Can you imagine?! What do you think they talk about all day? I'd go crazy, I think. Can't wait! Also, they eat special diets. I heard this one podcast where the guy talked about blending a cooked chicken breast with water and drinking it every morning. That sounds ridiculous to me because why don't you just eat the chicken? But maybe he doesn't have teeth? I don't understand bodybuilding. But I am very excited to invest a lot of time and money in it." He nodded, patiently, as always. Sometimes I think he has the ability to mute me.
I just love a transformation and I am very interested in a transformation that comes from very little effort on my part and a decent cash expenditure. I really don't know why I think this is the ideal scenario, particularly considering that I've been in therapy for years, with a low co-pay, and I continue to reap the benefits of slow, steady work at an affordable price. But I am also the person who clicks on every Instagram ad for a daily planner that promises to fix my life and all my problems. Perhaps there's a class I can take to rid me of this habit. Possibly available for a discount on Groupon.
This week, the return of another yearly tradition, plus PETA wants to start something new. But first: an incident.
I get that this is his vibe? And he was performing his own set previously? But also maybe they should put him in prison for this? Like, Ed's whole thing is dressing like a very friendly employee at a skateboard shop. And Beyoncé's whole thing is dressing like if the concept of excellence had a thread count. So, I understand why this is happening, but... I still want to report it to the authorities? [READ THE FULL COLUMN]
The list has caused quite a stir online because it seems to completely ignore how words work in favor of rhyming like a deleted chapter from Hop On Pop. On one hand, I'm very into this. This seems like total linguistic chaos and that's truly the energy I'm trying to manifest in my everyday life. On the other hand, though, I just don't see myself switching out these phrases un-ironically any time soon. [READ THE FULL COLUMN]
From the vault...
Everything about this video is so perfect it's hard to know where to start. Here's the basic premise: 21 years ago this month, everyone on Earth failed Patti Labelle. Present day lawmakers with absolutely no self-awareness, keep bringing up scandals that occurred during the Clinton administration but, strangely, no one is talking about this, the greatest travesty of the 1990s. Here it is in all its glory. Watch it and then call me right back. [READ THE FULL COLUMN]
Let's Hang Out
Monday December 17 - The Moth StorySlam at City Winery DC
Thursday January 3 - The Moth StorySlam at The Miracle Theater DC
Monday January 7 - The Moth StorySlam at World Cafe Live Philadelphia
Random Thing from the Internet
Uh, hello, Kyla Pratt is starring in a Lifetime Holiday movie called The Christmas Pact in which her parents are played by Jasmine Guy and Kadeem Hardison, otherwise known as Whitley Gilbert and Dwayne Wayne from A Different World! RED ALERT.
See you, very briefly, at yoga!