Hallway: Here for It, #340

Hi! It's R. Eric Thomas. From the internet?
Hi!

I am nervous about being on The Jennifer Hudson Show. Now, let's be clear here--I am not scheduled to be on The Jennifer Hudson Show at any point because I am not a famous person. If she called and invited me, obviously, I would go. But this is not a covert attempt to get on her show because, as I said, that's an idea that makes me nervous.

One of my spiritual gifts is being nervous about things that are unlikely to occur and, frankly, none of my business. To wit, I didn't learn to drive until I was in my mid-30s, but, before that, any time I watched a movie where there was a scene with the characters driving, I'd get nervous that somehow I'd accidentally get cast in a movie and the movie people (a technical term) would ask me to drive a car and I'd have to tearfully go to Cecil B. DeMille or someone and say, "Oh my gosh, my shameful secret is that I cannot drive this car and so you'll have to give the part to my understudy" (a thing that does not exist in Hollywood.) Fun fact: the understudy was always played by Ryan Phillipe in my mind, which is a level of self-delusion that should be studied by scientists.

Sometimes, when you're watching people drive in a movie, you can tell if they're actually driving or if they are just sitting in a car with screens set up around it to simulate movement. The screens thing is fine. I've sat in a stationary car. I've seen screens. I've been to Dave & Busters. I've lived a life of magic and wonder.

Fun fact: in the "Movin' Right Along" scene from The Movie Movie, Fozzie is actually driving that car.

Anyway, now I can drive and so my anxiety has to find a new target and that target is The Jennifer Hudson Show, airing daily, check your local listings.

When a guest approaches the stage on the JHud hour, her whole staff lines the hallway and sings/chants a custom little ditty about the guest as the guest dances down the hallway. It's fun!

For some!

I first became aware of it when a video of Ethan Slater being absolutely befuddled by it went viral.

This man is fighting for his life on this industrial carpet. This is Gladiator II on the set of The Office.

This has the energy of "everybody at this Black birthday party started singing the Stevie Wonder 'Happy Birthday' and I didn't get a lyric sheet."

It's that thing where sometimes rhythm can seem like a threat.

They told him he was going down the Soul Train line but all of the sudden he's in the weird hallway on Severance.

I'm obsessed. I love his little 360 spin. It's giving "I'm trapped but I'm going to make it fun!" Ya boy was like, "check, please!"

The face he makes when he rounds the corner is a perfect mix of confused wonder and abject terror.

He's like "call me Hillary Clinton, cuz I feel like I must have missed an email."

Since Ethan went viral, the JHud team has been uploading more and more of these hallway anthems. (They call it the Spirit Tunnel, but I cannot bring myself to say those words. Spirit Tunnel? Isn't that the thing that Idris Elba guards in the Thor movies?) Aaron Pierre went viral for the exact opposite reason that the Ethan Slater clip did. You've never seen such sexy walking in a hallway!

I'm calling HR! It's 9 a.m., sir. Let's keep it profesh!

And, of course, your girl Keke Palmer showed up and showed out.

There is NO ONE doing it better than Keke Palmer. This is the energy I want to bring into every room. Walking into the grocery store shouting "You know it's your girl!" Marching into a Pep Boys with a flat tire in hand going "PERIOD!"

I want this energy but I do not have this energy and that is the reason I'm phoning you today about my nervousness vis-a-vis JHud!

What if I get suddenly called to be on The Jennifer Hudson Show and I do a bad Spirit Tunnel?!

What if I turn that corner and people are chanting and I make my way down and it's... just okay? And then people on the internet are commenting things like "harumph, that's light-skinned rhythm."

WHAT THEN? I don't want that! Why would a person I've made up in my head say something so precise and yet so shady to me? What did I ever do to this fictional person on the internet? Should I fight this fictional person? Should we duel in the Spirit Tunnel? To the death? Sending one of us to that great Spirit Tunnel in the sky?

Look. I can dance, okay? I can! But... every once in a while... can I? I was taking swimming lessons last year and the teacher was trying to help improve my butterfly and she was like "just pretend you're doing The Worm." And I was like, "okay, so that's not one of my core competencies, see? So, I choose drowning. Send me to the Spirit Realm."

I can't have this. I can't have this stress, Jennifer Hudson! Why are you doing this to me? I voted for you on American Idol!

I have no other choice. I have to start taking dance lessons. They were like "what are you getting ready for? A wedding?" I was like "I am training to be Keke Palmer in the Spirit Realm on the off-chance that Jennifer Hudson calls." And the dance teacher was like "Oh, so this is an Ethan Slater-type situation?" And I was like, "PERIOD!"

Asking Eric: Nephews fail $10k gift ‘test’

Dear Eric: We have two nephews, 17 and 21, and felt it was time to teach them money management skills and saving for retirement. At Thanksgiving, we funded two brokerage accounts for each – a $7,000 Roth IRA and $3,000 brokerage. We also gave two books on long-term investing. Given the 40-plus years until they retire, the funds, if added to, could easily grow to more than a million dollars and…

ArcaMaxArcaMax Publishing, Inc.

Asking Eric: Fairytale engagement sours friendship

Dear Eric: My friend Glenda recently got engaged to a man she’s only known for nine months. I’m certain she would have married him after much less because he fits in with what an ideal or “fairytale” life looks like. She is very much a “look at me” person on social media, and having a partner after being single for so long is a real moment for her. This man has really only hung out with her…

ArcaMaxArcaMax Publishing, Inc.

Asking Eric: Niece’s visit tests generosity

Dear Eric: My niece contacted me and said she was coming to a college reunion near me. She wondered if she and her family could stay at my home during the weekend. I was happy to have them, and they had a good time. My wife and I cooked several meals for them and loaned them a car. Their final evening, we all went out to dinner (six of them and two of us), and when the bill came it was placed…

ArcaMaxArcaMax Publishing, Inc.

Asking Eric: Sister split after personal email was shared

Dear Eric: My sister (85) and I (80) have been estranged for about five years. My niece invited us for Thanksgiving dinner just before this fallout. She was also inviting relatives of her fiancé who are active Scientologists, a religion that has a well-documented distaste of homosexuals. I am in a long-term same-sex marriage, and I expressed some queasiness to my sister about being in this…

ArcaMaxArcaMax Publishing, Inc.

Asking Eric: Friend is worried husband talks to ex-wife too much

Dear Eric: One of my best friends is a woman I introduced to my boyfriend’s brother. They married last October after knowing each other for about six months. My friend often confides in me about what’s happening in the marriage. She is sensitive about her husband’s relationship with his ex-wife and told him that he should only communicate with the ex-wife about their daughter. He recently had…

ArcaMaxArcaMax Publishing, Inc.

I've lived a life of magic and wonder,
Eric