Elephant: Here for It, #337

Hi! It's R. Eric Thomas. From the internet?
Hi!

Wowee zowee do I love White Elephant parties! I love any party that will allow me to steal things from strangers for my own personal gain. That's the American way, babyyy!

You invite me to a White Elephant party, I'm going to show up dressed as the Hamburglar, holding an old-timey burlap sack into which I'll stuff all my ill-gotten gains.

Going to a White Elephant party is the closest we'll get to living in Gotham City.

White Elephant parties are the official gathering of Whoville when the Grinch was in charge. (I don't really remember the details of the story, so this may not have been what actually happened. Did the Grinch rig the Whoville election and takeover like Biff Tannen in Back to the Future II? And if not, why not?)

White Elephant parties are the great equalizer. You can win a White Elephant party--both as recipient and gift-giver--but at what cost, morally?! Every White Elephant party is one round of drinks away from turning into an Edward Albee play, and that's the (mid-century) American way, babyyy.

One time at an office White Elephant party, I ended up with a nice blue vase. I love a vase! You can never have too many vases, despite what any of my friends, relatives, or psychologists say. I don't have too many vases. I have too few floral deliveries! That's an everyone else problem, not a me problem!

Anyway, the chaos of Festive Thievery at the office party abated, I was eating Munchkins and wondering how long I had to politely hang before I could clock out and go home early, when a coworker ambled over. She was like "I was hoping you'd end up with that vase! My friend always liked it when he came over to my house. He was gay and now he's dead."

I said, "Incredible."

It's a lovely vase! (But technically this was not a re-gifting White Elephant and so I did have some questions about rule following. It's been over 10 years, but I will be filing charges.)

I love a party where the most type-A person in the room has to constantly corral people so that the thing can move along. "Does everyone have a number?" "No re-steals in the same turn!" "A turn is defined a the period between one number and the next!" "COUPLES CANNOT COLLUDE ON GIFTS!"

Every party should have to follow a complex systems of rules and regulations printed, single-spaced, on two sides of a piece of paper with a little Clip-Art of holly and berries in the top right corner. Merry!

I was invited to two White Elephants this year. The second was a re-gifting/gently used White Elephant. This is really where I shine because I have a house full of nice stuff I do not need nor really want. Would you like my college transcripts?

My first thought for the re-gifting White Elephant was that I would bring the box of copies of Congratulations, the Best Is Over! I have in my closet. Your gift this year: 22 copies of my latest book! Perhaps I would sign them, but I was worried that would make them worth more than the spending limit. Must follow the rules or face the tribunal.

I rummaged around and found some lovely little things. Gifts I'd bought for other occasions and then thought better of. Some books I loved, and bought, then bought a second copy for a book club. Then I got sort of carried away. I was standing in my living room staring at my Earthly possessions, with my hands on my hips, muttering "everything must go."

"I don't know about that Yankee Candle..." I said. Then I pulled it off the shelf (Mountain Lodge flavor) and smelled it. "Nice," I muttered, suspiciously. "Shantay you stay."

I have a set of towels I'm lukewarm on. Perhaps... perhaps... What about these throw pillows I bought from Instagram that I refuse to admit don't match my aesthetic? An air mattress? A breadmaker? A second breadmaker? The re-gifting White Elephant can quickly become a yard sale if you play your cards right. Speaking of, would you like a deck of Hard Rock Cafe brand playing cards? It comes in a lovely silver case you can use to pretend your Megan Markle on Deal or No Deal.

It can all be yours! Please. I must make room for all the things in my burlap sack.

My play Mrs. Harrison opens at Portland Center Stage next month! It's directed by the fantastic Tiffany Nichole Greene and features a brand-new, updated script. I was thrilled by the opportunity to revisit the play and make some additions and changes I've been ruminating about for a while. It's my most produced play and it's exciting to get to breathe even more life into it!

If you're in the Portland area, please check it out! I'll be in town for Opening Night on January 24th and at a pre-show talkback about the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves on January 25th, which is also BIPOC Affinity Night!

Caregiver son struggles with guilt over not doing enough

"There’s no perfect caregiver; there’s no perfect son; there’s no perfect grief."

Husband’s grocery splurges create strife

"Eric, who is being unreasonable here?" "...Probably both of you?"

Husband’s connection with ‘professional tease’ tests marriage

"He told me I'm overreacting even though the language, even the emojis used, are his usual tone."

Social butterfly struggles to make close friends

"I’m going to tell you something that will probably annoy you. I apologize in advance. You may be too good at socializing"

Best friend only wants to hang out with her children

"Sometimes you want to have a conversation without having to spell out swear words. But we have to accept reality."

"Nice," I muttered, suspiciously,
Eric