Class: Here for It, #354

Hi! It's R. Eric Thomas. From the internet?
Hi!

This week I got multiple emails informing me that I was a part of two class action suits and entitled to a small amount of money from each and I kind of feel like that's my next career pivot. Companies will do increasingly terrible things and then Erin Brockovich will be like "pay up!" and then I'll get a check for $76 and retire to my yacht. What's that Andy Warhol quote, in the future everyone will get to sue a corporation for 15 minutes.

The law is so funny (derogatory). I'm in two suits?! Girlfriend, I've been in pajamas since December 27th!

When you're unexpectedly in two suits, you're served a notice by the fashion police, which, at this point in pop culture history, is the ghosts of Joan Rivers and Andre Leon Talley showing up like Marley & Marley in The Muppet Christmas Carol.

One concept that I think is unexplored in the spooky-ooky-ooky space is ghosts having negative opinions about what you're wearing. Ghosts are always like "Avenge me!" or "I'm going to eat you!" or whatever ghosts are always going on about and they're never like "Oh, god, fedoras are back?!" That will be me as a ghost. I'll show up and see that everyone is wearing those Jelly sandals again and I'll be like "no, never mind, I choose death."

In truth, I would never consent to being a ghost. I presume there's some sort of Heavenly Career Fair? Unclear. "Ghost" is not a job for me. "Oh, I have unfinished business on Earth? Yeah, it's called the 300 unread emails in my inbox. I'm aware, babe."

Hello, Hollywood, here is my new pitch for a blockbuster: A ghost (Josh O'Connor) returns to Earth in an attempt to get to inbox zero, but Anthropologie keeps sending him sale advertisements.

Actually I can probably self-fund this film, now that I am soon-to-be wealthy from all my suits and such. A closet of lawsuits! A veritable storage unit!

One of the class action suits was for an MGM-owned resort in Las Vegas where apparently I gambled at one point. Nowadays, you can't just empty your life savings into a burlap sack and slide it across the craps table in exchange for stacks of chips. When you want to gamble, you have to scan your entire ID and your retina and put down a credit card and sign up for six mailing lists and by the end of it the fantasy that the House is going to do anything but win is well and truly dead. A metaphor for America!

Hollywood pitch: America, but it is a ghost! And it keeps getting Anthropologie emails!

Anyway, I apparently did all that years ago when I went to see Katy Perry in concert (I am problematic) and MGM in turn handed my data directly to a guy in a mask and a little black hat and a shirt that says "Property of the Internet Crimes Jail." And, as a result, I get $59.34. This is the actual number. Just so you know that I am rich. So, obviously, I'm going back to Vegas to spend it.

The other class action was because my first book Here For It was fed into the gaping maw of an AI beast, illegally, in order to train the computer how to do what I do (go to Katy Perry concerts).

This was, in truth, a real bummer to find out. I hate the way that AI is being used and I hate how negatively it impacts the planet and I hate how much slop AI-generated email I get. In the future, my entire job will be receiving class action suits and deleting emails that are like "Hi Robert, I want to help you market Kings of B'more. What I love about your book is that Harrison and Linus are two best friends facing down their last day together in Baltimore, from the author of Here for It, or How to Save Your Soul in America. Would you like me to make any changes to this email? I can also produce a draft that is funnier, more serious, or includes more references from the book so that the reader knows you've read it." (I get emails like this ALL of the time. These emails all read like middle school summaries of the book jacket copy. Actually, I'm sorry, every middle schooler I've spoken to about this book has had wildly intelligent things to say. Unlike these emails, which also almost always include the note from the AI to the spammer at the end that the spammer was obviously supposed to delete. AND they're usually--no joke--7 paragraphs long. It's insane. WHO HAS THE TIME TO READ THIS?)

Hollywood pitch: a ghost (R. Eric Thomas) destroys A.I.

While I do not wish my books to be used to train AI to come up with creative ways to try to drive me insane, I feel like trying to train a computer to do what I do (come up with unsellable ghost movies) is a fool's errand. I hate AI but AI ain't threatening me, honey child. One time I was curious how it worked, so I asked ChatGPT to "write like R. Eric Thomas" and what came out was like on 30 Rock when Jack Donaghy is doing an impression of Tracy Jordan's entire family.

ChatGPT was getting reeeeeeal loose with the "honey childs" and the "slay mamas". It was like an impression of a person doing a bad impression of me. The computer pulled out a fan and started clacking it. It made a plate of macaroni and cheese and started complaining about the 'itis. The computer put on a wig and started singing "Old Man River."

This is what I imagine was happening inside the AI factory:

I was like, can a machine do Blackface?! Should I call Al Sharpton? What about A.I. Sharpton? They out here spelling computer with a hard "r" .

Suffice it to say, in the coming technology war, my job as "insane gay person of color who does not wish to become a ghost" is safe.

Good news and bad news! The "oops, all slips" show I wrote to you about last week is sold out but I'm doing two other new shows at the end of this month in February. (Also you can still submit your gossip for the show here.)

I'm a producer of a new comedy festival called Variety Pack which has two full weeks of nightly programming, from musical improv, to a sketch group doing all of the Spider-man trilogy in one hour, to an evening of original cartoons, to sketch comedy from Kristin Finger and Alli Soowal, to a kid-focused improv show. PLUS, there's two workshops: Developing Your Show Ideas and Acting in Standup.

As part of Variety Pack, I'm doing two more shows with Chaz T. Martin and you should come!

Audience participation is not required. However, I am required by my attorney to tell you that this is medical advice and should be treated as such. Thu Jan 29, 2026 7:00 PM - 8:00 PM - TICKETS

We're billing this as a fake award show, but it is actually a real award show featuring me and Chaz competing in increasingly bizarre sports in order to get people to care about theater. Show is an hour, followed by an after party. Yes, Timothee will be there. Sat Jan 31, 2026 8:30 PM - TICKETS

Asking Eric: Old resentment sour 50th high school reunion

Dear Eric: Why should I go to my 50th high school reunion? I received a phone call from a former classmate who wouldn’t give me the time of day when we were in school together. “You need to go!” No, thank you. The cost is outrageous. Plus, most of the people I would like to see are either not going or are deceased. During my high school years, I was not treated well by some of the students. I…

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Asking Eric: Letter writer wants to eat strangers’ leftovers

Dear Eric: Often when I’m eating at a restaurant or cafe, I’ll notice other tables leaving half-finished food to be thrown out. In these situations, I’m tempted to either ask if I can have the remaining food, or to just pick it up from the empty table. I don’t like food waste and am completely unbothered by the thought of sharing food and germs. Would this ever be acceptable? If so, in which…

ArcaMaxArcaMax Publishing, Inc.

Asking Eric: Neighbor’s kind act creates more problems

Dear Eric: I am getting older. I have lived in my home more than half my life. I raised my children, educated myself, had a career and launched my kids while living here as a long-divorced person. In the last few years, my body has changed. I now use a walker. My mind works just fine. Many confuse mobility issues with thinking issues. Today, a neighbor’s son, visiting for the holidays, just…

ArcaMaxArcaMax Publishing, Inc.

Asking Eric: Couple has everything but still makes wedding registry

Dear Eric: A friend is planning his second marriage. It will be his fiancée’s third. Both are in their mid-to-late 60s, have owned their single-family homes for many years, and have reasonably well-paying jobs. They are planning a wedding shower and have registered for gifts, including expensive kitchen equipment and utensils, china, glassware, lamps, and living room furnishings. Things…

ArcaMaxArcaMax Publishing, Inc.

The computer put on a wig and started singing "Old Man River",
Eric