Break: Here for It, #329
Hi! It's R. Eric Thomas. From the internet?
Hi!
Look, I'm going to be honest with you--I do not know what is happening with that Australian breakdancer Raygun and I do not agree with it, spiritually, but one thing is for sure and that's that I could not do better.
A lot of people have said that she was just doing a bit and scammed her way into a free trip to Paris, but I think this theory doesn't account for the fact that all Australians seem to be doing a bit and therefore it's hard to tell. There are more silly gooses per capita in Australia than anywhere else on Earth.
Now, I'm probably biased because the majority of Australia-related content I get is from comedians Josh Thomas, Hannah Gadsby, and Claudia O'Dohrety from the underwatched show Killing It. They are always simultaneously outraged and underwhelmed. Silly geese but staring solemnly over a pair of bifocals or something.
I think it's the accent. I love the Australian accent but I can't imagine receiving bad news from an Australian. "Roight mate... sohhh we deed have to cut orf your leeg, yeah." Dr. Nicole Kidman, I am cracking up!
It's possible Raygun was doing a bit and also that she was deeply committed to doing a good job and, mate, I have never related to anything more in my life. Like, everything I do is a very serious bit that I am hoping is secretly awesome. If I had a family crest it would say "just kidding!.... unless...?"
My resumé is just this GIF:
The breaking competition, in general, was mind-blowing, though. Yes, even Raygun, but especially the competitors from India, the US, and the eventual medal winners from Japan, Lithuania, and China.
I love that there are 9 judges like it's a Hunger Game tribunal or the panel on a 70s gameshow. I imagine Charles Nelson Reilly sitting on the top row going "If you want me to do any of those moves, you're going to have to buy me dinner first!" And Bret Somers says, "Paul, baby, if you moved like that, I'd have to buy you a body cast." And Bette Davis is just smoking a cigarette with the longest ash you've ever seen, holding up a sign that reads "10."
Ah, how I love to sport!
And speaking of sport! IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR, YES THAT RIGHT, YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY, IT'S TIME FOR--YOU GUESSED IT--SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING!
I don't know why Synchronized Swimming is now called "Artistic" Swimming, like someone trying to find a PC euphemism for gay. I have done no research on this topic and I will remain dunked in my ignorance. I do love that even if there aren't quotes around "artistic", it feels like there are, spiritually. Like when your parents come to see you in a three-hour wordless play in college and they're struggling to come up with nice things to say.
"Very artistic! Beautiful... costumes."
This sport is, obviously, the opposite of a three-hour wordless play and your parents would go absolutely bonkers for it. Why don't they teach artistic swimming in the schools? ANSWER ME THAT, BETSY DeVOS!!
Some of my favorite shots:
THIS IS WHAT RECIPES WANT YOU TO DO WHEN THEY CALL FOR A PINCH OF SALT.
WHEN YOU ARE THE STAR WITNESS IN A CRIMINAL TRIAL AND THE ATTORNEY ASKS YOU, ON THE STAND, "IS THE KILLER IN THE COURTROOM RIGHT NOW?"
TRYING TO CLEAN A CLOG OUT OF THE DRAIN BUT IT'S GROSS AND YOU HATE THIS AND WHY DID YOU THINK YOU SHOULD DO THIS INSTEAD OF JUST BUYING DRANO OR ABANDONING THE PROJECT ALTOGETHER AND MOVING AWAY
WHEN YOU WAKE UP AND YOUR MORNING PERSON PARTNER IS LIKE "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?!"
YOUR PARENTS COMING TO SEE YOU IN A THREE-HOUR WORDLESS PLAY BUT THEY ACTUALLY REALLY LOVED IT
WHEN SOMEONE CUTS THE LINE AT THE COFFEE SHOP AND THEY SAY "SORRY I'M IN A RUSH" AS IF EVERYONE ELSE HERE IS JUST GROWING MOSS AND PRACTICING MINDFULNESS
LOL THAT IS NOT A HAND!
WHEN SOMEONE ACCIDENTALLY BUMPS INTO YOUR FRIEND AT A CLUB BUT YOU'VE HAD TWO TEQUILA SHOTS AND YOU'RE READY TO START AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT
"Nah, cuz, I will go to jail tonight, I swear!"
"Melinda, please lower your voice. The DJ is playing Robyn. Have some decorum."
"just kidding!.... unless...?",
Eric
