Aliens: Here for It, #304

Hi! It's R. Eric Thomas. From the internet?

Okay, I'm going to say something controversial. And, the truth is I probably shouldn't be out here logging on to AOL and saying controversial things because I have a book coming out in two days and I'm not trying to get canceled. But we live in an age of telling the truth! (Well, we don't but we should. And I will lead the charge!)

So, here's the deal: I've thought long and hard about it and I don't give a flamin' hot damn about these aliens. You would think I would. I'm extremely nosy. And I love when a series introduces new characters. Like Addison Montgomery Shepard walking up on Meredith Grey and Derek in the first season of Grey's Anatomy?! NOBEL PRIZE FOR GASP-INDUCING GREATNESS.

Do the aliens have SHONDA RHIMES on their planet? If they do, can I meet her and pitch her my show idea as long as the alien Hollywood execs agree to the WGA contract?!!

And, I know, we're not really talking the aliens anymore because the former president got indicted for the third time and you can make tea in the ocean so we're a little preoccupied. But the fact that we were even talking about them in the first place has got my hackles up! I have never met a group of non-human biologics that has less of an ability to read a room.

It's just not a good time, aliens! We're kind of in the middle of something here. (The collapse of civilization lol). AI has taken all of the good jobs which is weird because, like, what is AI???? CAN AI write a scene where Addison Montgomery Shepard appears in the background just as Derek and Meredith are smoothing out all the bumps in their nascent relationship and then slowly comes into the foreground as Derek reaches across and--my God, the perfection--with shocked simplicity says "Meredith, I'm so sorry."

Is an AI sitting there thinking "And Addison should be wearing the most needlessly fantastic coat. Impractical for Seattle but also perfect for every occasional. Ludicrously capricious, one might say, but only in the best way." I don't think AI is coming up with the note "The coat should have a Mae West vibe, if Mae West was on Dynasty, if you know what I mean."


(Okay, but actually, if AI looked like Jude Law... wait, no! No! I reject. UNION STRONG.)

Ugh, these aliens. I just don't know. What am I supposed to do with this information?!

"There's aliens."
"Okay, well... there's a bear in a zoo in Hangzhou that people think is a person in a costume, so thanks for calling."

The thing that's wild to me is that whistleblowing about aliens (do aliens have whistles?) leads to a congressional hearing. Why are we asking them to chime in on this?! No shade, but I think Rep. Katie Porter has more pressing things to attend to than listening to a man in a suit talk about Area 51.

Unless they bring in actual E.T. in his Carrie Bradshaw outfit to testify, I think Congress can sit this one out.

"And just like that, I found a new me on Earth. I wasn't E.T., I was Me T."

And at these hearings there's always one congressman who you've never heard of in your damn life named Jeth Higglety-Pigglety asking questions like "Yes, thank you Mr. Chairman, I just have one question: Are the aliens white?"

I'm stressed.

It's just that, I don't think the majority of Congress is really our best foot forward vis-a-vis meeting aliens or decision-making in general. I know we were just talking about a human whistleblower here but next time we could actually be dealing with Deanna Troi or Worf or someone and they should not meet most members of Congress.

For the good of the nation, I've prepared a list of who the aliens should meet, starting with the most important.

  1. Britney Spears. Britney is the first person any aliens should meet. She represents something beautiful and complex and hard and extraordinary about humanity; our only hope of building a good relationship with the aliens rests on her shoulders. When the aliens say, "Take me to your leader," they need to be helicopter'd to Las Vegas and delivered directly to that grand hallway where Britney films her spinning videos. I will not negotiate on this point.
  2. Amy Adams. She did wonders with the aliens in Arrival. This is a no-brainer.
  3. Gayle King. I just feel like Gayle has had a lot of conversations over the years that are like "Wait, WHAT?" so she's well-suited for whatever the aliens are bringing to the table.
  4. Michaela Coel. Genius.
  5. Mitch McConnell. Just so the aliens can see what we're dealing with here. Sort of a "look at this mess! You have anything that can fix this? Like a Magic Eraser but for bigotry and general malfeasance?"
  6. That bear from Hangzhou. Let's get to the bottom of this.
  7. Jude Law. Hot.
  8. America Ferrera doing her monologue from Barbie and then some selected moments from Real Women Have Curves, followed by a short scene from Ugly Betty with special guest Vanessa Williams.
  9. I guess, like, the U.N. or something?
  10. Miss Piggy.

Let me know if you have any questions.

Lastly, the aliens should be given a copy of my new book Congratulations, the Best Is Over! because I think they, of all non-human biologics, will appreciate a "laugh-out-loud" (Vogue), "funny, poignant, astute" (Kirkus), "unfailingly entertaining" (PW) collection of essays about coming back home and finding home to be an alien planet, trying to make the best of a weird situation called life, and spending 2,000 words talking about Oprah's Favorite Things show.

The book is out everywhere on TUESDAY! I hope you'll pick up a copy and tell a friend, but more important I hope you'll send a copy of the book to your worst enemy just so they know that you're out here laughing and thriving and not bothered by them at all!

And join me on book tour in DC, Baltimore, Philly, Nashville, Provincetown, and more!

I'll also be signing copies of Kings of B'more at the National Book Festival in Washington DC on Saturday! Come by!

if Mae West was on Dynasty, if you know what I mean,